Listening to others

This is the eighth in this series of blogs / newsletters.  

Evolution has taught us that it is often adaptive to focus on redressing weaknesses rather than celebrating strengths.  This applies both to how we evaluate our own experience and the actions of others .  At work and school we often focus on training people to improve on areas of weakness rather than setting them free to excel at what they are good at. However, an area of weakness can often only be taken from poor to mediocre, whereas strengths can be developed into excellence.

Creating an excellent team in sport or at work means understanding the roles where people have the opportunity to become excellent.  To do this we need to get into the habit of recognising where people’s strengths lie.  Looking for the best in other people also shines a bright light on our own experience.  At the end of a yoga class, a teacher often finishes with the word namaste, “the light in me recognises the light in you”

In this newsletter we introduce the Breathe London motivational interviewing technique for helping identify other people’s strengths. This will provide you with an invaluable leadership tool but will bring you a sense of joy as you share and celebrate each other’s strengths.

The tendency to focus on deficits can be seen in the way we discuss work performance with colleagues and academic performance with children.  Amazingly the research suggests that when we are asked to identify what other people are good at we find it really difficult to say when they are at their best.  Research also tells us that something amazing happens when people are asked to talk about their greatest achievements, their happiest moments and their heroes – ENERGY!   When we talk about the highlights in our lives something magical happens.  Simply replaying the events helps us relive those events and we enjoy a flood of positive emotions and a positive effect on our bodies.

Discussing when we are at our best enables us to make a cognitive link between a mastery experience and our emotions. By recalling a great moment from our past we may also uncover a great strength that we no longer use or we may tap into old passions which can be enjoyed again.  A flow of positive emotions enables us to overcome current challenges, fosters creativity and helps us identify where we should be investing our time and energy. In order to help people identify their top strengths, psychologists use techniques such as motivational interviewing and have developed psychometric tests to help people tap into their strengths. This is our technique.  I hope you enjoy it.

All we ask you to do is observe friends and colleagues and use the following motivational interviewing technique. Ask a series of questions which help tap into the highlights and peak performance of others.

The cycle of questioning is based around asking essentially the same question about when the person experiences a peak experience.  (Opening) After the introduction question we ask the person to clarify and focus on what in particular about the experience was a highlight (Pursue). The third question asks them how they felt about the experience and how their energy levels were (Energy).  This is a critical stage in the questioning and observation.  When people discuss their passions and highlights their body language and energy levels are clearly raised .  Get into the habit of observing when someone’s body and face becomes more open, their hands more expressive and their voices more elevated and flowing.  These are the magic moments when positive emotions flow between people.  At these times you are sharing and celebrating strengths and helping people make an intellectual link between when they feel good and their actions. To help people cement this link we ask a question to help them link their emotion to their experience (Navigate).  Finally we help summarise and clarify their experience (Summarise) and then repeat the process by asking similar questions.

The whole process of questioning opens the heart, matches experience to emotions and can be summarised as follows:

Opening question – think about strengths
Pursue details – focus and clarify
Energy and feelings – how did it make them feel?
Navigate – assign a reason
Summarise – which strength were they demonstrating

Practice this technique with friends and colleagues and get into the habit of looking for strengths in others.
In order to help you practice using the OPENS model take a look at our list of questions and decide which category ( O,P,E,N or S) they fall into.  This will get you thinking about what sort of questions to ask. I hope you found this a useful tool for getting the best out of friends and colleagues.

Some example of the OPENS questions 

Tell me about yourself.  Tell me some every day thing that you enjoy doing.
You’ve mentioned many things that you enjoy doing.  What would you say you enjoy most?
How does that activity make you feel?

Why do you think that you enjoy this the most?
So it seems to me that [FOR EXAMPLE – you love bringing people together]

Tell me more?
Do you have lots of opportunities to do the activity that you enjoy the most?
You also said that you enjoy doing [ ],.  Why do you think that you enjoy doing this?
You mentioned lots of things that you like doing.  What do you like doing the most?
Tell me more?
Why isn’t it top of your list?
Do you enjoy doing anything outside of work?
Tell me about that?
Why do you think that you enjoy doing that?
Do you enjoy doing anything work related?
Tell me about that?
Why do you think that you enjoy doing that?

What makes you feel like you have had a successful day?  What makes a really good day for you?
Can you tell me about a good example of this?
What made it special?
Can you think of other times like this?  Tell me about it?
Can you tell me about the best thing that ever happened to you?
What made it so good?
From what you tell me you get a real buzz out of [ ]

What are you doing when you feel at your best?
What factors made this happen?
What or who contributed to this?
Why do you think that this is so?
When do you feel most alive and energised?
Looking back to your youth, what were your best times?
Taking everything into account it sounds like you are at your best when you are doing [ ] and [ ]
What were you doing?
What situations do you feel most comfortable in?
What would you say are your pride and joys?
Why do you take pride in this and what gives you a sense of pride?
What would you say that you are most passionate about?
Describe what it feels like to enjoy this passion?
When do you feel that the real me is coming out?
Which situations do you find yourself in when you are expressing the real me
What situations invigorate you?
Tell me more?
I want to know more about this.
Tell me what makes you want to keep doing this activity and not stop?
If you could choose a vision of the future, what would it be?
Why is this important to you?
How will you make that vision happen?
What do you think makes you happy?
It sounds like you’re really good at [ ]
I can see from the way you are talking that you feel passionately about [ ]

All the best Andy

Positive Psychology – a little introduction

I was attracted to Positive Psychology by an article in the Sunday Times about six years ago entitled “Can you learn to be happier?”  The article was based on an interview with the leading light of the American Positive Psychology movement, Martin Seligman.  Running a wellbeing business which deals with physical and mental wellbeing I was enthusiastic and curious about the subject and was lucky to be amongst the first group of people in Europe to study for a masers degree in the subject.

My initial enthusiasm turned slightly to scepticism on day one.  Once you start to investigate the practicality of defining happiness/wellbeing and then measuring “it” many logical and practical problems arise. 

The most commonly used measure is Ed Dieners Satisfaction with life scale (SWL).  This asks people to rate their satisfaction with life on a scale from 1 to 7 .  It’s a reasonable wellbeing measurement because it enables values to be included.  For example you may consider a happy life to be one which is filled with pleasure with an absence of suffering.   If this is what you value and this is what you get then you can claim to be satisfied.  If you value meaning in your life and you find your life meaningful then you rate yourself as being satisfied.  The scale reflects values and enables hedonists to be compared to those looking for meaning. There are many other ways that researcher’s measure wellbeing but this one has an advantage because it is simple, clear and inclusive.

A typical piece of positive psychology research would seek to ask participants to rate their satisfaction and then get them to do an activity (anything from meditation to Scottish country line dancing).  They would then ask the participants to rate themselves using the scale during, after and often some months later.  Researchers would also compare groups of people.  For example, they would investigate people on different levels of income, country, age etc.

What they found was that the most satisfied (I’m going to change to the word to happy now even though that opens up whole can of worms – I just think satisfied sounds a bit smug).

What they found was that the happiest people were those having a close group of supportive friends, were in a loving relationship, were optimistic about the future and broadly they felt that their career and financial goals were moving in the right direction.  Hardly rocket science I know but interestingly what the research tends to suggest is that there is little or no relationship between your level of income and happiness.  Once you have enough to cover the basics and a roof over your head happiness levels are fairly consistent across the globe. 

However our level of happiness has a lot to do with how much I get paid compared to the people I know (or think I know or think I should know).  Some research suggests that, if offered a choice between, earning a high wage but being paid less than most of our work colleagues or being paid less but more than our colleagues we would take the latter option.

All these findings are interesting but are they based on fundamental flakiness?  It seems that due to strong heritable factors our self reported level of satisfaction hovers around a set point (Mehls set point).  No matter what we do it tends to move back to this point. Our natural wellbeing level may be 50% due to heritable factors, 10% due to our circumstances and 40% down to the choices we make in the present moment.  This seems to suggest that on a day to day basis we have a great deal of opportunity to choose to be happy but over the longer term we may have less influence

To me this is an empowering message.  Like personality our happiness and wellbeing levels are strongly influenced by our ancestors and its up to us to understand why our parents were influenced by their parents and environment and for us to create new patterns of behaviour.  Its a little like the Hindu idea of karma.  We are born with predispositions.  We have tendencies to behave in certain ways but we have a daily choice as to whether to examine those tendencies and explore whether they serve our long term goals and happiness.

At Breathe London we have put together a 30 day wellbeing plan with many interventions from the field of Positive Psychology – details at http://breathe-london.com/positive-psychology

What does a thriving life mean to you ?

Over the last few months we have been working on a new Positive Psychology project about what it means to thrive.  Martin Seligman, the famous Positive Psychologist has just written a book on a similar theme called Flourish.  Overall its an interesting topic for us all to explore but thriving and flourishing is such a subjective area that we honestly don’t feel that it can be boxed in and quantified like Martin Seligman attempts.  I walked past a sign yesterday which said pilates is the route to happiness.  I’m sure this is true for some but for others hours spent working on their pelvic floor would be pure hell.

Having said that the Breathe London team have put together some positive statements  around thriving.  Let us know what you think

Feeling secure and confident

I feel secure, confident and loved.  Whilst I know that my family and community partly shaped my destiny, the knowledge of where I have come from has helped me develop independent views and instil trust in my own judgement.  I know how to occasionally challenge my beliefs so that I don’t get set in my ways.

I feel grounded but understand that things change quickly and I need to be flexible.   Being grounded doesn’t make me heavy. I move with a light purposeful stride.

When I look back at my life I cherish the achievements and good times.  Although I have faced many challenges and some painful times, these experiences have also taught me how to lead a full and vibrant life.

Feeling energised

I have a good awareness of the things in life that increase or deplete my energy.   This includes what I eat, how I exercise, how I move as well as how I connect to people and how I choose to think.  In particular I understand the relationship between my thoughts, emotions and how my body feels.  I know that my emotions, energy and thoughts are influenced by my environment and I’m confident that I can modify my environment to help me perform well.

I know when to push hard and when to kick back and rest. I feel at my best when I’m playing to my strengths but I also understand that my striving has an impact on those around me.  I’ve found the right balance in my life between having fun, being playful and where I get meaning from.

Cultivating positive intent

My experiences have taught me that it’s easier to move towards my goals through hard work combined with kindness and compassion for others.  I realise that in striving to achieve my own goals it’s important to share the effort with people who have similar passions.    I feel like I am part of something bigger than just myself.

I’ve brought into balance my own needs whilst also enabling those around me to fulfil their potential.  I am grateful for the things that I have achieved in my life and the kindness of others.

I’m confident in expressing my views but get the most out of conversations when listening to the wisdom of others.  I know the difference between dialogue and debate.  I’m good at picking up emotional signals from other people and the environment.  I know that my moods affect the way I think and I’m able to solve problems by listening to what my heart and head are telling me and blending the information.

Having a sense of direction

My dreams about the future are positive.  I’ve identified goals which balance my need for financial security alongside optimising my health and the wellbeing of those I love.

As I move toward my goals I have the presence of mind to appreciate the joy and pleasures of the journey.  Sometimes my goals are clearly defined and at others they are vague.  Whichever is the case, I feel confident that I am moving in the right direction.  Sometimes I push myself hard but am secure and confident enough to know when to pull back and enjoy letting others reach the summit first.  I reappraise my goals often and know that you don’t have to climb all the highest peaks.

I’m confident that either I can learn new skills to help me move towards my goals or I can count on close friends to help me.

Being focused

Making the most of my time means that I can focus on detail whilst remaining alert to the big picture and the possibility of wonderful new experiences.  Being present to experience brings richness and colour to my life.

I understand that joy is an essential part of life. I savour new experiences but don’t grasp them.  I’ve learnt to enjoy and then let go.  I occasionally examine my habits and routines to check whether they still bring me meaning and joy.  When life gets too complex I go back to basics and stop investing in things I no longer value.

Andy Roberts manages the Breathe London team.  He has a masters degree in Positive Psychology and is an accredited emotional intelligence coach and yoga teacher.

Martin Seligman has also just published a book called Thrive.  You can read a review on the book at http://www.thehappinessinstitute.com/blog/article.aspx?c=3&a=2909