Developing emotional intelligence
In the last few weeks I’ve introduced some of the concepts behind emotional intelligence coaching. The key idea is that we should begin to think of emotions as packets of information which in conjunction with out intelligence, experience and personality enable us to make great decisions. I’m going to introduce a four step approach for getting the most out of the information that comes with emotions
Emotions have a physiological response. The first step in harnessing the power of emotional information is therefore to recognise how we are feeling inside and how others appear (for example through their tone of voice and body language). In order to do this it’s useful to imagine that you are a third party observing yourself. Get into the habit of doing this in a non judgmental way. There is no goal, no perfect emotional state. Just observe how you are now without forming a view of how you should be or someone else should be.
To observe you need to step back from for a moment and breathe.
Recognising the emotional state that you or a colleague is in is a product of a complex series of preceding events. You also recognise that this state is a rich source of information about how we and others perceive the world. You may feel miserable because the weather is poor or your football team has lost. Or it may relate to a deeper sense of frustration about work or home life. At this stage it may be useful to park this emotion and your thoughts about the underlying cause/causes. Parking it does not mean suppression or ignoring the reality of an emotional state. It means noting it and dealing with it an appropriate point in a mindful manner in a measured way.
“Anyone can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way – that is not within everyone’s power and that is not easy.” Aristotle
Acting as though you are a third party observer allows you to take the time to act in a measured way. It doesn’t mean not living the emotion or becoming emotionless it means to allow the emotion to flow through you without destroying your positive inner sense of self
Armed with the tool of awareness it’s then possible to identify what emotion best suits the task at hand. For example upbeat and positive to facilitate creativity OR serious and focussed when fine attention to detail is required. The key is to find a way to tune into the emotion in the room and some how flick a switch to help build a new theme of emotions appropriate to the task at hand. The challenge is to blend the existing emotions in the room with the emotion that you feel best suits the style of thinking that’s required. We need to find a way to evolve into a new emotional state with a smooth transition. For example it may be appropriate to identify the problem behind the current emotional state and discuss whether its appropriate to deal with now or better suited to deal with at a later stage.
It’s important to continue to observe the emotional state of yourself and others as you explore the using emotions stage. If messages are confusing seek confirmation about how people are feeling. We often get emotional signals wrong and by gently asking our colleagues and friends about how they feel we do an important reality check on the situation.
Having the self awareness to step back and observe how you and others act in the world allows calm contemplation of some the factors behind the emotional state. It is always a complex web of causes however calm reflection sometimes allows us to pick out major factors. It also allows us to weed out background noise and underlying mood. There may be deep causes such as the illness of a loved one over which we have none or little control. In these (and in fact in all circumstances) the only thing that we can control is how we choose to react to events that swirl around us. Part of understanding emotions is to understand that there is often little we can control. This awareness can be a surprising source of comfort. Ultimately we are all in the same boat.
As with recognising emotions it’s useful to do a reality check with others before you assume the reason you’ve assigned to the emotional state to be the truth. As we’ve discussed in the last four newsletters truth can only evolve from dialogue between people with different perspectives. Without this third party discussion we can make mistakes when managing our own and other peoples emotions.
This is a vital bit of the emotional intelligence change model. Without it useful emotional intelligence information is lost and there is a lack of growth in decision making patterns and behaviours. Quite often once we have parked emotional information, in order to get on with the task at hand, we don’t return to it and the opportunity for change is lost.
The key here is to cultivate positive intention for yourself, others and the wider community. The challenge is to marry this positive intention with accurate knowledge. This is why its so important to do the reality check and discuss with others what their understanding of underlying causes may be. Misdirected positive intention is not necessarily a source of positive change.
The next time you have an important moment or event at work practice being the observer of emotions and use the Recognising, Using, Understanding and Managing 4 step approach to enable positive change and growth. Observe how the model works and observe what the change is.
The 4 facets of emotional intelligence can be measured using an online psychometric tool. You get an overall score and a score for each area. To learn how to do the emotional intelligence test drop me a mail. The good news about emotional intelligence is that its not a personality test. Once we know how good we are at it we can practice being the observer and making more informed decisions from the emotional states around us and within.
Posted on May 30, 2012, in Coaching, Meditation etc., positive psychology and tagged dan goldman, emotional contagion, mayers salovey, measuring emotional intelligence, msceit, Positive Psychology, ruum emotional intelligence model. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.